Overcoming Panic Attacks
Today marks one year since I had one of the scariest experiences of my life. I was preparing to preach the following weekend and had multiple panic attacks over two days. I felt impending doom, tears began rolling down my cheeks, and preaching was the last thing I wanted to do. For the first time in my life, I called out of a speaking event due to anxiety. I’m writing this post now because I have healed enough to offer some helpful things I’ve learned over the past year to manage and grow in freedom in this area. I hope my experience can encourage you if you deal with panic attacks or anxiety, show that you’re not alone, and give you some practical tips on living with greater freedom.
A little bit of my backstory may be helpful for you to understand my unique situation. I was born with a severe speech impediment that led to extreme anxiety around speaking in any context, especially in front of large groups of people. I planned my teenage years around how to avoid the embarrassment of stuttering in front of people. This anxiety and pain were some of the reasons that eventually led me to find refuge in drugs.
After meeting Christ in 2010 and being freed from heroin addiction, I felt a call to preach and teach. This was not a welcomed idea for someone who has stuttered their whole life, but God promised to be with me and give me the words to say, so I reluctantly agreed. Over the past twelve years, God has done a miraculous work to heal my speech about 80% of the way and has graciously allowed me to become a full-time preacher and teacher. He has opened countless doors and allowed me to speak to over 100,000 people at hundreds of events nationwide.
The only issue with this story is that I still struggled with anxiety regarding my speaking. There were many times when I’d get physically ill before preaching and afterwards would need to sleep for many days to recover from the adrenaline dump from speaking despite the nerves. Honestly, I hadn’t enjoyed preaching in quite some time. I coped with this through prayer, a healthy lifestyle, CrossFit, and much commitment to the calling, but a year ago, my brain felt like it finally gave out. After the panic attacks, I wondered if I’d ever be able to preach again or needed to find a new calling.
What God has done over the past year is quite miraculous. This is by no means the end of the story, and it feels like a dog fight some days, but I can honestly say I have more freedom in speaking than ever before. God allowed me to break so He could lead me into further healing, peace, and joy. I am genuinely enjoying preaching again. Here are some of the things that have helped me on this journey.
1- COMMUNITY
After having these panic attacks, I contacted other preachers who had been open about their similar experiences. People like Bradley Saxon and Josh Howerton courageously shared their stories of dealing with panic attacks. They gladly aided me with their experiences and encouragement in this dark season. Just knowing that I was not the only one brought great relief.
I was open with many of the closest people to me, including my wife, home group, mentors, friends, family, and staff. They prayed for me, encouraged me with Scripture, wept over the situation, and were there for me even when they didn’t know what to say. I wouldn’t have gotten through this without this deep network of relationships God had placed around me.
In addition to this organic community, I saw two Christian counselors with different specialties. I’m not the “everyone should go to counseling” guy, but this was a crucial part of my healing journey. I would recommend a Christian, biblically oriented counselor recommended by people you trust. My experience was incredible and has blessed me deeply. They were able to speak into the chemical side of what was happening in my brain, as well as point out lies and idols holding me captive to the trauma of my past and insecurities around my speech.
We were made from community, for community. The Body of Christ is meant to be the conduit of God’s healing power to each other. Both the professionals and my organic web of relationships have played a massive part in this journey.
2- COMMON GRACE
God has graciously designed the world with many “common graces” given to all people for their flourishing. It’s incredible how much research shows that good sleep, healthy eating, breathing practices, and exercise can help your mental health. These are all things I’ve used to cope with anxiety over the years and have continued to play a critical role in my journey.
The other form of common grace that I’ve benefited from in this season is non-narcotic medication. Because of my past drug addiction, I adamantly opposed medicine. But after both of my counselors recommended giving it a second thought and hearing what was chemically happening in my brain, we prayerfully decided to try it. Much of our country is over-medicated, and this shouldn’t be your first option, but it can make a massive difference in the right situation. I saw a medical professional who prescribed the right medicine at the right time, and I am immensely grateful to God for this common grace.
3- CONTINUALLY RENEWING MY MIND
As I dove into the neuroscience of my condition, I learned that thinking thoughts repeatedly could cause literal ruts in your brain. Because I had viewed myself and my speech in a certain way for most of my life, my thoughts naturally flowed down these toxic pathways. The result was insecurity, anxiety, and, eventually, panic. Replacing these lies with truth is one of the fundamental aspects of spiritual formation and living a life of freedom.
By intentionally thinking new thoughts regularly, we can rewire our brains. While the secular world calls this CBT (cognitive behavior therapy), the bible says we also have the Spirit who supernaturally works to renew our minds (Romans 12:2). My counselors and mentors were able to help identify the lies I was believing and the corresponding truth. I then took these insights and created a “truth script” that I read aloud daily. This truth script comprises eight paragraphs that speak to all the most important aspects of my life, reject the lies the enemy tries to plant in my head, and create new ruts of truth in my brain.
Here is one of them as an example of how this looks:
In my weakness God’s power is made perfect. Jesus has taken my shame and given me honor and a triple portion. I am not ashamed of my weakness, but I boast in it. I am completely secure in God’s love. My aim isn’t to speak perfectly but to glorify God. I do not fear people of any regard or seek to please people, but I aim to please God and love all people well. I am a truth speaker. Having a speech impediment intensifies God’s power flowing through me and expands my usefulness in the Kingdom. The thorn is evidence of the anointing.
I’m still not entirely sure why this happened. Was it because God was preparing me for a new level of ministry and needed to lead me into more freedom in preparation? Was it because I had idolatry in my heart regarding speaking, and God needed to wound me to sanctify me? Was it because we live in a fallen world, and I am just dealing with aspects of my past that correlate with this? Was it because there is a spiritual enemy who hates the preaching of the gospel and this was a demonic attack? I think it’s likely a combination of all of these.
Whatever the specific reason this happened, what I do know is that "what the enemy meant for evil, God meant for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive as they are today.” (Genesis 50:20). Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection broke the power of the devil and set us free from fear. (Hebrews 2:14-15) The gates of hell will not overcome the Church and the advancement of the Kingdom.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you are struggling with anxiety or panic attacks. I’ve also included some resources below that I’ve found helpful.
RESOURCES:
· Finding Quiet by JP Moreland
· Winning the War in Your Mind by Craig Groeschel